Singletasking - KITTY

So lately I've been doing some thinking. About relationships, chemistry, healing. Due, certainly, in no small part to my new friend in Portland.

You might be wondering where that's going, if anywhere. If I've heard from him. I realized that whether or not I heard from him after the date was a lot less about wanting to pursue a relationship, and a lot more about really wanting him in my life - whatever that looked like.

And I did hear from him. He sent me a lovely email sprinkled with humor, a little salt and a great deal of honesty. The mission-critical parts went a little something like this:

"I adore you, and couldn't have cooked up a better distraction/date/crush than you. I think I signed up for Match hoping for a partner, without understanding why I wanted a partner so bad--mostly, I think, for a distraction from the things I need to do. Mostly, go take care of my parents. So I deleted my profile and am making preparations for a trip...trying to focus on my life, not the life I want--waiting for a text or an email or a call from you. Getting some attention from a talented, successful, creative, beautiful woman was exactly what I needed, and I can't thank you enough for that. Thanks for your kind words--I had a great time, but am sorry if I seemed distracted. I guess this is one of those strange times in life where I just don't quite know how to play my hand, or even how to recognize my cards."

In a way, I felt like I was getting dumped.

But then my logic kicked in and I realized that it wasn't about me. It wasn't about whether or not we had a connection. It was about recognizing that timing is a lot more important than we give it credit for.

Sure, the right person at the wrong time is still the right person. I get that. We're not writing each other off. But I'm also not going to expect an emotional or time investment from someone admittedly incapable of giving it to me. I'm past that phase in my life.

You might be wondering why he joined Match.com in the first place, if he isn't ready to date. I am, too. I think it was to meet good people, different people than he was meeting through his regular everyday crunchy Portland routine. He told me on our date that if the only reason he joined Match in the first place was to meet me, well, that that was more than good enough reason for him. I appreciated that. And I concur.

But it all has me thinking: It's not the worst thing to want or desire a distraction from your life. I think sometimes we try to prepare ourselves for foreseeable drama, pain or inconvenience by creating a bit of happiness, if only for a moment (isn't that why people become addicted to drugs,love, lust...shopping... after all?). It's kind of the human condition. No one can be faulted for that. What's important is to dig deep in the dirt and examine our intention and be very honest with ourselves about why we're seeking that escape. Then go fix the root. Which he's totally doing, as am I.

Part of his appeal, in my eyes, was very similar to the reasons why he was intrigued by me. Perhaps it was less the desire to distract from other things, and more the desire to fix what's been so broken in my life recently and somehow, someway grasp in the fog for hope that there are good people in the world.

If life is like a pendulum, where one side of it swings to what feels like rock bottom, well, we always know that for every reaction there is an opposite and equal reaction. So I suppose I'm on the upswing of my pendulum (dare I say), perhaps trying my damndest to push it faster and harder than it's swinging on its own.The good news: I'm on the upswing. The bad news: As it's been said, opposite / equal reaction.

Maybe my focus is spread too thin. Maybe I've gotten used to just being in relationships rather than enjoying the fun and adventure of the dating process. Maybe what I should be focusing on is getting better at single-tasking.

And so we live...