Dating is a six letter word. -- TUCKER

Well… I’m baaaaaack. Relationships 101. They can end as quickly as they begin. Without going into detail, I’ll say this: I thought this relationship was all I ever wanted. But in the end, it just wasn’t right.
I’m not sure where I’m headed from here. Online dating again? Eh. Obviously, I’ve explored match.com and eHarmony. Wowza. What a pair of DUDS. match.com and eHarmony let me down like a lazy employee lets down their boss on a daily basis. I still think I would have better luck at the local watering hole… but I don’t really spend much time at my local watering hole, so THAT’S the issue.
Question: What’s next?
Friends:
I’ve pretty much bled dry all my friends of their single friends… and I really have to say, it was pretty slim pickins from the beginning. For some reason, my friends (who are mostly married) are friends with other married couples and aren’t friends with a ton of single guys (read: single, dateable men).
Bars:
I’m not 21 anymore. I don’t “go out clubbin’” anymore (not that I ever did). It is very, very rare that I get dressed up on a Friday night and head out to the bars after 9pm. Unless there’s a birthday party or special event planned, I’ve become more of the “happy hour” girl. Happy hour is fantastic for those of you who haven’t discovered this little gem yet. Awesome deals on drinks and bites to eat, and you’re home by 8pm at the latest. I know, I know. I might as well get a cat. But I’m allergic, so THERE.
Working Out:
I’m just going to lay my cards out on the table. When I work out, I sweat. I’m not a super model wearing hot pants and a push up bra when working out. At the gym, I’m raising my heart rate, and seriously not trying to attract guys at this particular moment… because at I might be scary looking (read: at least really sweaty with raccoon eyes). When I run Greenlake, I’m running with headphones and I may or may not be singing along to Poker Face to help me forget the agony of running (I run, but no one said I liked it). Regardless, I’m pretty sure meeting someone while working out is pretty much a no-go.
Answer: Who the Hell knows. And I’m ok with that.

Will You Be My Valentine? - KITTY

Hey Kiddos,

Before the days of eHarmony, Match, Chemistry and LoveLab, there was this:

I must remind you that despite copious amounts of suspenders, aquanet, polyester and power mustaches a la Tom Selleck, this video boldly represents the era in which many of you were conceived. Just marinate on that for a hot second.

A couple of months ago, Ellen found three of these fine gentlemen: Phil, whose friends call "Big Phil" (he's tiny); Maurice, the executive by day and wild man by night; and Mike, who doesn't like you if you smoke (and busts a really amazing move around the 1:20 split-screen) and invited them to be on her show.

It should be no surprise to you that 2 of 3 are still single.

Happy V-kend,

Kitty

Dear eHarmony: It's Over, And It's Not Me, It's You. - KITTY

Hi, I’m Debbie Downer. Some of you might know me as Negative Nancy. I have a couple of new adventures to tell you about, but first, some business.

This has been a dateless, actionless, winkless week for me. Obviously, I’m fiercely combating the inactivity in my dating life with copious amounts of mac and cheese (both lunch and dinner yesterday), chocolate, champagne and – thank GOD – hot yoga.

I saw Six-String this weekend. It was impromptu. I’m getting the feeling he’s not much of a planner, which is why I’m not much of a thinker that it’ll go anywhere. We went to a great show on Saturday night, slammed some street meat and then got entirely too little sleep. It was our third “date”, if you can call it that. I like his beard.

In the last couple of weeks, my Match profile has had ZERO activity. Like, for example, one of the last people to have viewed my profile is a creepy-guy in cute-guy disguise. In 15 days, it appears that he’s visited my profile over 18 times. The last exchange we had was over a month ago, when I still thought he was cute, and it went a little something like this: He winked; I emailed; he emailed and asked me out; I emailed back a yes I’d like that; and he never replied. Fun. Yet he kindly visits my profile no less than three times a week as if it’s a Facebook status update and I’ve somehow changed something, look different or can’t see the fact that he’s actually stalking me on Match.com. For the record, it’s actually not possible to secretly stalk someone on Match.com.

So I re-joined eHarmony. I’m unsubscribing this week. For those of you who don’t know, I reluctantly joined eHarmony about a year ago prior to meeting my most recent ex. I met a guy on the site – yes, one - but the night we were supposed to go on our first date, I cancelled on him in favor of a first date with my most recent ex, the one who broke my heart, who I had just met the weekend prior. Talk about a life-changing decision.

As it turns out, eHarmony is still a social hub for semi-special-needs gamers who don’t use spell-check and are all about the height of your average garden-gnome. Or they are missing teeth. I’m serious. I wish I could publish some photos without totally exposing identity.

I’ve come to this conclusion, and tell me if you agree: Match.com is like being set up by a friend - not a close friend, but an acquaintance; and eHarmony is like being set up in an arranged marriage by your parents who really don’t know you because you’ve lived at boarding school since you were six.

It’s a double edged sword, this online dating thing. Most popular dating sites have this function that I like to call the “Diet Button”. Why? Because it makes me want to go on a diet. It has the ability to – at once – throw a big sopping wet blanket over the warm fuzzy you get when you come across someone who you actually wouldn’t mind sitting across a dinner table from for an hour. So you boldly send a wink. Or perhaps you spend a few minutes carefully crafting a little witty-but-don’t-worry-I-didn’t-try-too-hard email. And BAM. Rejected. And without reason! It allows users, without knowing more than 500 words about you, to let you know they’d rather not know anything more about you, thank you very much. Ouch. It feels about as good as a cold, hard jab to the jugular followed by a pat on the back. Which is the worst kind of hug. It feels like being dumped before you ever went on a date.

But, see, I’ve been on both the giving and receiving ends of the Diet Button. I only use it if someone has sent me an email, a wink and perpetually tries to IM me. At that point a restraining order might be necessary, and no Diet Button will ever fix that amount of crazy.

eHarmony has a feature called “Close Communication”. I don’t know why, but my conscience is far less guilty closing communications with people through eHarmony than through Match. I think it’s because I don’t have to look at them ever again. They’ll never come up in searches. And they can’t reach out to me ever again. Out of sight, out of mind. Plus, it gives me multiple choice options for why I’m no longer interested, one of which is the ultimate evasive cop-out, “Other”. Which really means, I prefer communicating with men who have their canines and bicuspids intact and don’t wear Sketchers, thank you very much.

To give you some perspective, I’ve closed 258 of 276 “compatible matches” on eHarmony. I haven’t logged into the site in over a week. Either I’m just generally incompatible with humans or I need to terminate my relationship with eHarmony.

Should we settle for Mr. Okay? - ABBY

A good friend (and fellow online dater) just sent me this article about women, dating, and whether we are waiting around for a Prince Charming who just might not ever show up.  Should we be willing to "settle" for someone who has 80% of what we're looking for? 

The article definitely made me think.  Is my list of "must haves" too long?  It's probably not a good sign that when I read "He has to know how to order wine in a restaurant" in regards to how particular women get about their ideal man, I thought "hey, that's a good one to add to my list!" 

I've never really thought about it in these terms, but women in their twenties DO have a lot of power.  We're independent, unattached, and envied.  We can buy tickets to Coachella at a moment's notice or deny a guy a second date because of his choice of shoes. 

I don't quite know how to wrap this up, but it's definitely something that will be running through my mind as I check out my next batch of eHarmony matches.  I would love to hear what you guys think!