A good friend (and fellow online dater) just sent me this article about women, dating, and whether we are waiting around for a Prince Charming who just might not ever show up. Should we be willing to "settle" for someone who has 80% of what we're looking for?
The article definitely made me think. Is my list of "must haves" too long? It's probably not a good sign that when I read "He has to know how to order wine in a restaurant" in regards to how particular women get about their ideal man, I thought "hey, that's a good one to add to my list!"
I've never really thought about it in these terms, but women in their twenties DO have a lot of power. We're independent, unattached, and envied. We can buy tickets to Coachella at a moment's notice or deny a guy a second date because of his choice of shoes.
Sadly, you can quickly (in the blink of an eye) become a woman in her 30's wondering where all the choices went. I know from experience. I tried to start early and be open, but there are a lot of really strange guys out there and during my 20's and early 30's, I think I was pretty picky. Online dating at 35 has not been fun.
ReplyDeleteI think I spent my 20s making dating mistakes and not really liking myself. Now in my mid-30s I DO finally like myself and am making smarter choices but there are definitely slim pickings in my age bracket. Is that a reason to lower standards in your 20s? No. But I do think we tend to be a bit too stringent on our criteria. I know I have been. So what if he is a dorky dresser and you think he should grow his hair out a bit? That's just shallow stuff that could change. What matters is who he is fundamentally as a human being. Matching up on values rather than hobbies matters more to me now.
ReplyDeleteI'm a perfect example of a woman who has compromised the important set of non-negotiables in favor of the ones that aren't as important.
ReplyDeleteBad work ethic? That's ok! Because MY GOD he's nice to look at.
The only place it's gotten me is single because, in the end, I can't change him and, in the end, I'm still who I always was, wanting what I always wanted. It's all about refining our tastes and opening our eyes, ladies...
As always, great insight, Abby. Want to work on your LoveLab profile with me this weekend?
I came across that article myself and found it to be mostly insightful and true. I got married when I was 26, which I realize may sound young to this audience, but trust me there were plenty of try-outs for the position before I made the choice. My husband wore bad Levis and Timberland boots, with polo shirts he'd owned since high school. He had terrible hair and wasn't in shape; you get the picture. Had I not met him under the circumstances I did, I assure you he would not be my husband, which only speaks to my superiority complex at the time. Is he perfect? No. Is he perfect for me? Yes. I'm not quite sure how or why I got so lucky, but it certainly pays to give the nice guy a chance, and to let go of some of the shallow criteria. I am not at all saying that I "settled," I didn't. I am saying that I could have let him slip away, for no good reason. Good luck girls!
ReplyDeleteIf there's one thing I've learned over the past 3 years of dating someone I never pictured myself with it's that you need to find somone that gets you. It doesn't matter what they do for a living, what they wear, what shoes they wear. You will change each other in ways you will never expect, and over time, you change him as much as he changes you, and I've found that eventually those things that held me back are the things that he was willing to change or the things that we work on together. God knows that there are things that I've been working on too.
ReplyDeleteWhen you meet him, he might not be perfect, but he turns out to be more perfect than you think.