Will You Be My Valentine? - KITTY

Hey Kiddos,

Before the days of eHarmony, Match, Chemistry and LoveLab, there was this:

I must remind you that despite copious amounts of suspenders, aquanet, polyester and power mustaches a la Tom Selleck, this video boldly represents the era in which many of you were conceived. Just marinate on that for a hot second.

A couple of months ago, Ellen found three of these fine gentlemen: Phil, whose friends call "Big Phil" (he's tiny); Maurice, the executive by day and wild man by night; and Mike, who doesn't like you if you smoke (and busts a really amazing move around the 1:20 split-screen) and invited them to be on her show.

It should be no surprise to you that 2 of 3 are still single.

Happy V-kend,

Kitty

Dear eHarmony: It's Over, And It's Not Me, It's You. - KITTY

Hi, I’m Debbie Downer. Some of you might know me as Negative Nancy. I have a couple of new adventures to tell you about, but first, some business.

This has been a dateless, actionless, winkless week for me. Obviously, I’m fiercely combating the inactivity in my dating life with copious amounts of mac and cheese (both lunch and dinner yesterday), chocolate, champagne and – thank GOD – hot yoga.

I saw Six-String this weekend. It was impromptu. I’m getting the feeling he’s not much of a planner, which is why I’m not much of a thinker that it’ll go anywhere. We went to a great show on Saturday night, slammed some street meat and then got entirely too little sleep. It was our third “date”, if you can call it that. I like his beard.

In the last couple of weeks, my Match profile has had ZERO activity. Like, for example, one of the last people to have viewed my profile is a creepy-guy in cute-guy disguise. In 15 days, it appears that he’s visited my profile over 18 times. The last exchange we had was over a month ago, when I still thought he was cute, and it went a little something like this: He winked; I emailed; he emailed and asked me out; I emailed back a yes I’d like that; and he never replied. Fun. Yet he kindly visits my profile no less than three times a week as if it’s a Facebook status update and I’ve somehow changed something, look different or can’t see the fact that he’s actually stalking me on Match.com. For the record, it’s actually not possible to secretly stalk someone on Match.com.

So I re-joined eHarmony. I’m unsubscribing this week. For those of you who don’t know, I reluctantly joined eHarmony about a year ago prior to meeting my most recent ex. I met a guy on the site – yes, one - but the night we were supposed to go on our first date, I cancelled on him in favor of a first date with my most recent ex, the one who broke my heart, who I had just met the weekend prior. Talk about a life-changing decision.

As it turns out, eHarmony is still a social hub for semi-special-needs gamers who don’t use spell-check and are all about the height of your average garden-gnome. Or they are missing teeth. I’m serious. I wish I could publish some photos without totally exposing identity.

I’ve come to this conclusion, and tell me if you agree: Match.com is like being set up by a friend - not a close friend, but an acquaintance; and eHarmony is like being set up in an arranged marriage by your parents who really don’t know you because you’ve lived at boarding school since you were six.

It’s a double edged sword, this online dating thing. Most popular dating sites have this function that I like to call the “Diet Button”. Why? Because it makes me want to go on a diet. It has the ability to – at once – throw a big sopping wet blanket over the warm fuzzy you get when you come across someone who you actually wouldn’t mind sitting across a dinner table from for an hour. So you boldly send a wink. Or perhaps you spend a few minutes carefully crafting a little witty-but-don’t-worry-I-didn’t-try-too-hard email. And BAM. Rejected. And without reason! It allows users, without knowing more than 500 words about you, to let you know they’d rather not know anything more about you, thank you very much. Ouch. It feels about as good as a cold, hard jab to the jugular followed by a pat on the back. Which is the worst kind of hug. It feels like being dumped before you ever went on a date.

But, see, I’ve been on both the giving and receiving ends of the Diet Button. I only use it if someone has sent me an email, a wink and perpetually tries to IM me. At that point a restraining order might be necessary, and no Diet Button will ever fix that amount of crazy.

eHarmony has a feature called “Close Communication”. I don’t know why, but my conscience is far less guilty closing communications with people through eHarmony than through Match. I think it’s because I don’t have to look at them ever again. They’ll never come up in searches. And they can’t reach out to me ever again. Out of sight, out of mind. Plus, it gives me multiple choice options for why I’m no longer interested, one of which is the ultimate evasive cop-out, “Other”. Which really means, I prefer communicating with men who have their canines and bicuspids intact and don’t wear Sketchers, thank you very much.

To give you some perspective, I’ve closed 258 of 276 “compatible matches” on eHarmony. I haven’t logged into the site in over a week. Either I’m just generally incompatible with humans or I need to terminate my relationship with eHarmony.

Dealbreakers, Vol. 2 - KITTY

Dealbreakers. This is not the first time we've covered this subject.

I'd like to take a moment to wax poetic, given my life has been providing me with quite a bit of blog material these days.

Read: I'm dating. A lot.

Bad leather jackets, cargo pants of any variety, Sketchers. Also any individual or combination assult herein: Plaque on teeth, bad breath, arrogance, blunt rudeness to wait staff, intolerance, ponytails (they turn the backs of heads into horses butts) - especially braided ones or pigtailed ones. Buns are ok. Nay, cute.

Weird collections (dolls, plates, toenails). Beer tabs, coins and stamps are obviously fine. Extra points for baseball cards.

Chewing with mouth open (are we five?), checking other women out. Drinking the kool-aid (of any topic, idea, school of thought, company...think for yourself!).

Platform shoes (or any kind of lifts), sansabelts, addictions, trying too hard. Excessive anger, angst, drunkenness, overtly stinky gas, mom or old relationship baggage. More rings or jewlery than me, and I wear a lot so you've got a lot of wiggle room. Don't push it.

Men, let's hear from you...Thoughts?

Notes From an eHarm Novice - ABBY

Top 3 Reasons I Joined eHarmony:

1. Someone whom I adore met her almost-fiancé (whom I also adore) on eHarm.
2. My grandma’s 81^st birthday wish (right before she blew out her candles) was that I would “get married and have babies.”
3. I love a good blog.

So here I am doing something I said I would never do. But I'll let you in on a secret (I kinda love it). At first, I felt bombarded by military men (do I really live within 30 miles of Fort Lewis?) and guys who were my height (5’5”). But after a few days and a few dozen “closed” matches, Dr. Neil figured out who I was looking for in “open communication” (meaning we’ve made it through 3 rounds of essentially multiple choice questions) with two guys who appear promising. One of them is out of the country for two weeks doing a humanitarian project (score!) but I hope to go out with him when he gets back. The other one asked me what my “personal style” is tonight. That’s definitely something I’ve never had to express in 250 words or less.

I’m not sure if I’m doing everything right. Can I uncheck “addiction” as one of my 10 “can’t stands” because it goes without saying? Is it wrong to close matches with people I’m not interested in just to clean up my eHarm homepage? Is it bad that I can’t think of the most influential person in my life aside from my parents?

I’m excited to see where this adventure goes. It has already provided some good stories and laughs and an interesting answer to that ubiquitous question: “what’s new?”

Before I go, I want to give the men on eHarmony a few tips:

1. Don’t post a picture of you with your arm around a gorgeous girl. It makes us wonder who she is (sister? ex-girlfriend? daughter?)
2. The self-portraits of you in your bathroom? Not hot.
3. Please, please, please use correct grammar (Your not winning me over).

Let's Hear it for the Girls

Welcome to life at the tail end of 2009. Dating life, that is. Please meet four roommates: Tucker, Abby, Andy, and Georgina.* We're all very pleased to meet you, although at times it may not feel like it. Dating is never easy, even for fab twenty-somethings in a metropolitan city.

The Players:

• Tucker: a 27 year old nurse. Loves zip up hoodies and ballet flats.
• Andy: a 25 year old architectural designer. Loves red lipstick and mid-century furniture.
• Abby: a 24 year old fundraising rockstar. Loves micro brews and new restaurants.
• Georgina: a 25 year old fund development extraordinaire. Loves high heels and a good Sour Patch Kid.

For years, our moms and dads have been telling us what catches we all are, and how one of these days we will get snapped right up by Mr. Right. Have they been lying to us all along?

Here we are, ten, fifteen years later, and we still have not been "snapped up". Generally satisfied with our lives - friends, families, and jobs - we're just looking for someone to share it with. Or at the very least, someone to fill the time - other than pets (read: a cat).

The Game:

This is where our little "experiment" comes in: for the next three months, four roommates will get on two different online dating sites...for one ultimate goal.

FINDING OUR HUSBANDS.

No, only kidding. One Giant Experiment. We want to see if, with Dr. Neil Clark Warren, you actually do "experience a difference". We want to see if it really is "okay to just look".

Some initial impressions on both sites:

• eHarmony moves a lot slower than Match. Abby and Georgina are both on eHarmony, and are still in just the initial communication stages. It seems pretty intentional to actually "start communication" with someone. It also seems pretty harsh to "end communication". For me, I received a closed message from a guy who said he wished to end communication with me because he was pursuing another relationship. Although we had never even exchanged "first questions" I still went "hmph" a little and took it personally.
• Match has more of a "meet at a bar" feel. You're able to search through hundreds of guys in order to find one who is visually appealing to you. They do, however, send five daily matches which you are able to sift through. Also, they have an email component which both Tucker and Andy have been utilizing already...and on top of that there is an IM feature. Feedback from this feature is that it is kind of annoying.

It's really up in the air which one is more successful at this initial stage. Match sent Tucker and Andy directly into email communication with tons of different guys, whereas Abby and Georgina are more cautiously sending questions back and forth with just a few select people. But let's all be honest: this is more action than any of us have gotten in a long time.
Stay tuned for Saturday's post. Andy has her first date with a match guy, and if past dating experiences foreshadow anything...it should be a doozy.

*Names changed from our own to our past (or current) favorite pet. So...we're not really protecting their identities...

DISCLAIMER: While this experiment is funny and we may from time to time poke fun at some of the dates we go on, this is not to falsely misuse any sort of social network and is entirely malice free. We are simply four girls who have tried everything else - it's the grapefruit diet of dating.